APRIL 1ST: 7 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Worry About Global Climate Warming

Didn't it go awfully quiet on that big topic of climate change and drowning polar bears? The media doesn't seem to care anymore about global warming and melting polar ice. Well, neither should you.

I think Al Gore gave us all a big scare and then we were like “Meh, it's not that bad”. So I'm gonna tell you why there's no reason to worry about this carbon-dioxide stuff.

1. You'll die an ordinary death anyhow

When you're an old grandpa or grandma, guess how you'll leave this earth? Diabetes or heart attack, that's how. Nothing to do with global warming.

You ain't gonna get killed by huge hail rains in a tropical storm or by the sting of a monstrous malaria mosquito roaming the temperate climates. Where's the drama?

2. We'll run out of fossil fuels soon

Ain't us burning coal and oil the cause of this global warming thing? But we'll run out of those in a few decades, so then the problem will fix itself. Remember how the ozone layer fixed itself?

3. We got polar bears in zoos

Bummer.

Polar caps melting means polar bears drowning, but that's actually not a big deal. We got them in zoos, so it's not like they will go extinct. 

I just saw pictures of the cutest twin polar bear cubs ever, born in some zoo somewhere. How many polar bears on the Arctic have their cuteness uploaded to the internet? They couldn't be less relevant to everyday life. 

4. If it was really that serious, somebody would do something about it

But instead, everyone kinda forgets that we got an issue here, so it's probably not that threatening. Or urgent.

5. We still got the government

If it looks like we're gonna drown, the government will simply build a sea dike with our taxpayers' money. If it looks like we're melting in extreme heat, or freezing because the polar vortex falls apart (or because we're not used to chilly weather anymore), then they can distribute cooling fans or heaters respectively!

6. You can always move

What if the government fails to do so? Still no problem. 

It's not like you're Bill Gates, but you are still well off enough to just move away when the climate starts to bother you. Village getting flooded every week? Move higher up. Crazy storms and tornadoes? The neighbouring country will do.

You are safe no matter what happens.

7. Global WARMING? Great, you never liked the cold!

Global warming sounds like more bikinis to me! Seriously, a summer short is way more comfortable than a ski jacket. And soon we can get our tan during Christmas break, at home! 

No more dying butterflies when winter comes around, it's gonna be an eternity of sunshine and rose petals! What's the downside again?

In short: don't worry, be happy!